Contents
Cover
Also by Melvin Burgess
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
An Angel for May
Bloodsong
Bloodtide
Burning Issy
The Cry of the Wolf
Doing It
Junk
Nicholas Dane
Sara’s Face
The Baby and Fly Pie
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First published by Andersen Press Ltd in 2001
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.
The right of Melvin Burgess to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
Text copyright © Melvin Burgess, 2001
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data available.
ISBN 978 1 78344 303 1
For Jude
It was me and Wayne heading down Copson Street. Michelle and Dobby were there too, trailing behind. They were jealous, both of them. She fancied Wayne and Dobby fancied me, but it was me and Wayne, me and Wayne, me and Wayne all morning. He was leaning over and smiling, tickling me and touching me. I wasn’t going to say no, was I?
We’d been trying to lose them for the past hour, but we hadn’t really got off with each other yet, so we couldn’t just push off. I knew what was going on between us right from the first but I think it had just been occurring to him as we went along. We were outside Somerfield’s and Michelle and Dobby had dropped back outside the baker’s when he reached forward and tickled the palm of my hand. It sent little shivers up my arm. My hand closed around his and we gave one another a little squeeze, and that was it. We were holding hands. We turned and looked into each other’s faces and …
I was just thrilled. You know? That moment. I just love that moment. I could do it over and over again until the end of my life. I mean, all right, he wasn’t the first boy ever, or even the first boy that month. In fact, the way I was then he’d have been pretty lucky if he was the first one that week. But still – it just made me shine. There was the sunshine sparkling on the wet pavements. There were the people and the shops, there was Dobbs fancying me and Michelle all jealous because she wanted what I had, and there was Wayne smiling down at me, all pleased and happy because I was holding his hand. He was gorgeous. I was gorgeous. Isn’t that just about the nicest thing you can think of?
He leaned down to my ear and whispered, ‘Let’s go.’
‘Where do you want to go?’ I asked. I glanced back. Michelle had walked up near to us and she was standing there looking daggers.
‘In your knickers,’ said Wayne and I said,
‘Ooh, yeah.’
He looked surprised. He bent close to me and whispered in my ear, ‘You’re making my head go.’
I grinned. He was lovely, he was mine. He put his arms round me and he sort of snuffled in my ear. I giggled. It made me tingle all over, but I was bothered about Michelle. I looked over his shoulder at her. ‘I’ll talk to you later,’ I mouthed, but she pulled a face and looked away. I suppose I should’ve said something to her before. I was making a mess of things, really. It was a pity in some ways because I thought we might all be friends, and I mean, you can get on and off with the boys in a crowd, but if you fall out with the girls, you’re out. It made me angry with myself, because I’d been through enough friends recently. But I knew I wasn’t going to stop myself.
I’d been off my head lately. And it’d been great, you know? Really, really great. The best time I’d ever had. Only, I was getting fed up. Well, not fed up – tired. It’d been going on a long time. It’d been a lot of boys and a lot of late nights and a lot of voddies and a lot of Red Bulls and a lot of e. That crowd, Michelle and Dobby, even Wayne – they weren’t me. I’d even been thinking, maybe I’d give my old friends a ring. Annie. That crowd. They’d still be there.
But Wayne made me forget all that. I wanted him. And I was going to have him.
We ran off round behind Somerfield’s into the car park. I was giggling. I was thinking, Here I go again! Michelle and Dobby stared after us but they didn’t try to follow. We ran through the car park and on to the road behind it. We got round behind the wall and Wayne stopped and turned to face me and we put our arms round each other and we kissed. It was a funny kiss because we were both out of breath as well as being turned on, but after it was done we both let out a long sigh and pulled each other close. What a relief!
‘I’ve been wanting to do that all morning,’ groaned Wayne. I glanced round, but the others were well gone. I relaxed. He reached for my mouth again and THIS time the kiss went right through me. I made a little ‘Oh, oh,’ noise, and that turned him on even more. I hung on to his neck and held up my face and ground myself right into him.
‘Jesus,’ said Wayne. He slid his hands under my top and down the side of my bra. His hands were lovely and warm. I was underdressed as usual. ‘Where can we go?’ he asked, looking around as if a bed was going to spring out of the ground.
‘There’s nowhere to go,’ I said, and I laughed because – I dunno. Like I say, there’d been all these boys lately. Everyone had been saying it. Annie, my best friend at school had said it, my mum had said it, my sister Julie had said it. ‘All those boys!’ I’d wanted them all so much but now, somehow, I was kind of pleased that there was nowhere to go. It was like, poor old Wayne, just his luck! I’d have shagged him up against the wall for a bag of jelly beans a month ago but times were changing.
Well, maybe they were.
I slid out from under him and ran off, laughing at him. I was twisting round to look at him and that’s why I ran into the alchie.
He was standing on the pavement right in front of me with a can of Special Brew in his hand. I banged right into him, full on. I thought maybe he was going to get nasty but he smiled and touched me gently on my hip.
‘Steady, steady,’ he said.
I smiled back because … well, because I was it, wasn’t I? No wonder Michelle was jealous! Wayne fancied me like anything. Dobby fancied me – I knew that, the way he looked at me, although he never said. And now even this alchie. I could see him glancing down at me, and I expect he was jealous of me as well, because I had everything and he nothing. All right, he was just a tramp, he wasn’t going to get anywhere near me. But still. I want everyone to fancy me. Not just the sports stars and the pop stars and all the boys. I’d like the old men and the young men and everyone to fancy me. I’d like the money in your pocket and the dirt on your shoe to turn round and look at me when I go past.
Then I thought, What’s he doing? And I stepped back quick – what right did he have to touch me? Just because I banged into him? Wayne didn’t like it either. He said, ‘Keep your hands off,’ in a sharp voice, and I said,
‘Excuse me!’
‘Why, what have you done?’ said the alchie, and he gave me this shitty little smile.
I’d seen him around. I’d seen him on the bench by the flowershop near the telephone booths drinking with old blokes, and I’d seen him sitting in a blanket on a piece of cardboard with a dog on a piece of string at the other end of Copson Street, begging for change. He never even got it together to sell the Big Issue. He wasn’t old, he was a young man. You’d think he hadn’t had time to get worn down. He was still good looking under the dirt and the booze. He looked strong. He had nice hair, he had a good face. But …
‘You’re just an alcoholic,’ said Wayne, and I said,
‘Yeah!’
He gave us this crooked look. ‘Give me a quid and I’ll leave you alone,’ he said. He said it like it was half a joke.
‘I’m not giving you anything,’ said Wayne.
The alchie glared at us. Maybe he was just being friendly, but he shouldn’t have touched me. Then he nodded at me and said, spitefully, ‘And your girlfriend’s a slut, so what?’
‘Get lost!’ I yelled. That just made me so angry. So angry! Calling me names like that. I lashed out and knocked his can of Special Brew out of his hand. I didn’t mean to. I was just fed up suddenly. I was fed up with things going all wrong. I mean! Everything could have been just right so easily. Everyone fancied me. I had Wayne there with his tongue practically hitting the floor. I should have been smiling my head off! But instead I had Michelle pulling faces at me and now this drunk. I mean, why do things work out like that? I could have fancied someone else, or Michelle might have been decent about it and understood, and the drunk could’ve been – I dunno, somewhere else. But it had to be shitty, didn’t it? It had to be. It just seemed like everything I wanted to do lately had to go wrong because of other people.
I caught the can just right. It flew out of his hand and banged on to the ground. There was this horrible silence before my whole life vanished.
He was furious, you could see it in his face. He wasn’t all that tall, Wayne was taller, but the alchie was a grown man and Wayne took a step back. ‘My drink!’ he squeaked as it fell. The beer spurted out on to the road and he scrabbled on his knees to get it before it all went. He got up and stood there shaking the can by his ear, slowly realising that there was nothing left. Then he got furious.
‘My bitch, you little drink. My bitch!’ he yelled. He was so angry about a little drink of beer. Wayne started laughing, because he got bitch and drink mixed up, but then he lifted his hand to grab me and I had to step back quick.
‘Sorry!’ I gasped. But he kept coming at me. He was falling on top of me. I had to run backwards. It was amazing – him so upset about a can of beer. He was about ready to pull my head off, I could tell by his face – it was all twisted up with rage and hate and horrible things. I was running backwards and he was still coming, so I had to twist round and leap away. Then I looked back but he was still right there, right there with his hands on my clothes. It gave me a fright but I still thought then that I could get away with a few steps.
‘Wayne!’ I shouted. I ran a few fast steps and looked round, but even before my head turned I could hear his breath right in my ear and that’s when I started to get really scared because he just kept coming.
Something strange was happening. Everything around us seemed to be frozen. I was having to run really fast. I was thinking, The police station is just around the corner. I bombed up through the car park and on to Copson Street and then on to Hill Street by the police station. I could have opened the door and got in, but the bloody place was only closed, wasn’t it? I forgot, they shut it down a couple of weeks ago. I just had time to grab the door and tug and scream and then run off. I could feel his fingers in my hair – I swear he was that close. I didn’t dare stop. I was screaming at people to help me but, funny thing, everyone just watched me go. They didn’t seem concerned, they just looked mildly surprised.
He was yelling something at me, but he was getting all wheezy already. I’m amazed he made it that far. I ran round the corner and behind the shops. He was on my back the whole time. I was terrified. Why wasn’t anyone stopping him? None of it made any sense. Then I was round behind the café. There was the smell of grease and dustbins and before I knew it, I was falling over the bins. I was on my hands and knees. I rolled over in the rubbish and there he was, still right on me, staring down.
I screamed, ‘Leave me alone!’
He looked at me, he licked his lips and he glanced over his shoulder and back at me. I knew what he was thinking. We were on our own. It was crazy. It was Saturday, it was the middle of the day, but somehow we were on our own. He couldn’t rape me but he could pull my clothes about and feel me up and get angry with me if he wanted.
‘You little bitch!’ he yelled, so full of anger I was terrified.
‘Get away! You bastard!’ I screamed. I was looking around for Wayne and the others but they weren’t there. Why weren’t they there? He smiled at me again and stepped closer. I got back on all fours facing him and bared my teeth at him.
As I watched him, his face changed into pure shock.
‘Oh, God, no. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ he said. Actually he more or less screamed it. He was backing off with his hands up near his face as if I was going to do something to him.
‘You’re for it, you’re dead,’ I told him. I was trying to stand up but I couldn’t.
‘No, oh God, no! I didn’t mean this to happen, please! Oh, Jesus Lord, not again!’ he said. He looked awful, really upset. I couldn’t help myself. I jumped forward and bit his hand. I bit it! ‘Get off me!’ he yelled. He stumbled backwards and fell over. I was off. I didn’t have any trouble leaving him behind this time. I jumped clean over him and I was away. I’ve never run so fast. I didn’t pause to look for Wayne and the others. I was so scared I ran straight back home, yelping, ‘Mum! Mum! Mum!’ as I went. And all the time I was thinking – I bit him? I couldn’t believe I’d bitten him.
The running was so good. I didn’t know why, I never liked to run. Even though I was scared I had this big thrill about going so fast and even after I knew the tramp was miles away, I still kept running and running and I couldn’t understand how it was I wasn’t out of breath.
All around me the world was changing. The cars, the dustbins, the grass, the dog shit on the tarmac, the feet that had been and gone – everything left its taste on my tongue. Things were crowding into my mouth and my nose. At the same time, everything I could see was moving further away and growing tall and slow at the same time. The world was changing shape, growing in one direction, closing down in others. I was in one weird state! As I came haring round by Yew Tree Road and turned into the estate, I remember thinking, It must be fear’s done this to me. My house was only fifty metres away, about two seconds at my speed, and I started howling and barking, ‘Mum! Mum! Mum!’ at the top of my voice as I got close. I jumped right over the little brick wall at our front and ran round the back and in the door. Mum was in the kitchen.
‘God Jesus!’ she yelled as I came in.
‘Mum, Mum, Mum, I’ve had this terrible scare, Mum,’ I shouted, and I flung myself at her.
Mum screamed and I stopped in my tracks. She looked terrified! I’ve never seen such a look on her face. ‘Get away!’ she screamed. ‘Back! Back! Shoo!’ She reached out and grabbed hold of the frying pan and flung it at me. I just stood there, I was like a dummy, I watched the oil spilling out in a silver flash and then the pan caught me right on the side of my face.
‘Ow! Ah! Mum, what for? What’s wrong?’ I shouted, but she’d gone mad. She was crawling backwards on to the worksurface, getting her feet off the ground and staring at me with that terrible, mad face.
‘Get away!’ she screamed again, and her hand was groping along the worksurface for something else to chuck at me. I took a few steps forward, shaking my head, which really hurt. I only wanted a cuddle! I put my arms out and fell on to my nose.
‘It’s mad!’ she shouted. And she started banging on the window shouting, ‘Mad dog! Mad dog! Help!’
She’d gone hysterical. I ran out of the room to get help just in time to see my brother Adam come down the stairs. I started to ask what was wrong with Mum, but I could see by his face that he was scared, too.
‘Stay away, get back, Adam. It’s a mad dog, it might have rabies or something,’ Mum yelled. I thought … Dog? Rabies? What? Adam turned and ran up the stairs, and then it clicked. I realised – there must be a mad dog in the house! I looked around and I couldn’t see it anywhere, but it had to be right there because Mum was staring straight at me. She looked at me like it was clinging to me. I was terrified but at the same time I was just devastated. In an emergency like this, Mum was showing what she really thought and felt about me. I mean, there she was shouting desperately at Adam to get away, but she couldn’t spare the time to even say my name, and the thing must be almost at my feet. I thought – at my feet! I screamed and jumped about ten feet in the air and ran up the stairs after Adam.
‘Run, run,’ I barked and Mum screeched, ‘Run, Adam!’ His room was nearest, and you know what? The bastard slammed the door in my face. Can you believe that – a mad dog on the stairs and he slammed the door in my face!
‘Adam, no!’ I howled, but all he did was bellow,
‘Go away! Go away! Bad dog!’
I ran to my own room. I couldn’t see the dog anywhere – it was terrifying, like it was invisible or something. I pushed the door open and sprang in. I spun round and tried to lock the door but, you know what? I couldn’t do it. It was so weird. I was fumbling with the handle and I suddenly realised, no wonder I couldn’t close it, I was trying to do it with my mouth. There was this awful, weird moment when I was hanging there from the handle with my mouth, thinking … What am I doing? Then I dropped to the ground and jumped up on to my dressing table out of the way and there was the dog on there with me.
Yeah, well. I could say that. I could say I thought that, but I knew at once. I think I knew already, sort of, and that’s why I jumped up, to have a look in the mirror. I didn’t think that reflection was anyone else’s but mine, not for one second. The dog was one of those scruffy black-and-white mongrel things with a stupid face and twitchy ears and it was me. It all fell into place – the way I’d run so fast, the smells, the way I bit the tramp, my mum and Adam getting so scared of me. It was obvious, but it was so crazy my mind was going bonkers trying to find ways of thinking it wasn’t true, because who wants to think that? Who could think that? How could it be true?
I barked in fright and the dog barked back, and I think I might have fainted then, because there I was on the floor rolling about, shaking my head and growling. Then I tried to stand up. I’d just known there was something funny about my posture. I made a real effort to get up on two legs but I fell straight down. I did it about three times, but I just fell down – one, two, three. Then I sat there trying to talk and listening to what was coming out of my mouth.
‘Wow! Wow! Wow!’ I said. ‘Wow! Wow-wow-wow-wow! Agrrrr.’ And that was it.
My door slammed with a violent thud that made my ears pop.
‘It’s trapped, it’s trapped, I’ve trapped it in Sandra’s room,’ shouted Adam triumphantly.
I went, ‘Ah!’ like you do when something stupid’s happened, and this time it sounded just like me because I wasn’t using my tongue.
‘Good boy!’ Mum was at the bottom of the stairs. I could hear her panting. I held my breath to hear what they were going to do next.
‘I’ll call the police,’ she said. ‘Jesus, it came right at me. If I hadn’t stunned it with the frying pan it would’ve had my throat out.’ My mum was babbling. Then she started shouting in rage. ‘How the hell did it get into the house? Whose is it, what’s it doing here in the first place?’ she yelled furiously. ‘God,’ she added, ‘I thought my heart was going to stop. Oh, God!’
‘It came up the stairs after me, it tried to get into my room.’ Adam was half in tears. Adam’s two years younger than me. I’d obviously terrified them, and despite myself I found myself going, Huf huf huf, which was as near as I could get to having a good laugh. I thought, That’ll show them!
‘What’ll they do to it?’ asked Adam.
‘Put it down, with any luck – it’s mad,’ said my mum.
I felt my jaw sag open. I was amazed at the way it did that, and I jumped up to the mirror again to have another look at myself, and I looked so funny – a scratty, hairy mongrel with pricked-up ears and its jaw hanging open in horror and surprise. I waggled my eyebrows at myself – you know what? I was hilarious! A dog that could pull faces! I was in such a state, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. For a moment I stood there pulling faces at myself and killing myself laughing. My mind was just jumping all over the place. One minute I was gibbering with fear and the next I was giggling at the sight of myself in the mirror, or because I’d scared my mum half to death!
I could have spent hours sitting there looking at myself, but I didn’t have time. I mean – it could really happen! They really would put me down. That’s what they did with stray dogs, wasn’t it? No one owned me. I was mad! A mad dog! My mum was going to get the police to put me down and she’d never even know that she’d had her own daughter murdered!
I had to get out. I had to have a plan. I began pacing up and down the floor. I sat down and scratched my ear and had an idea at the same time. It was this – I’d trick them. I shouted out.
‘Help! Mum, Adam! I’m trapped up here with the dog!’ Then I listened closely.
‘God, what a weird bark it’s got, horrible!’ That was Adam.
‘It moves all horribly, too, did you notice? Like it’s all wrong,’ said Mum and Adam went,
‘Yuk, yeah, like it’s all sort of like, all … wrong.’
‘It must have some sort of brain disease,’ said my mum, and that was so ironic, you know, because she was always saying that about me.
‘God, Sandra, what’s wrong with you? The way you carry on I wonder if you’re all right,’ she used to say. It was just typical – as soon as I have any problems she thinks I’m bonkers! Now I was a dog and she was still doing it.
I had to get out of there. I ran to the door and tried to open it but my hands still weren’t working. Well, what hands? Paws, paws, paws! I told myself. It was amazing, but I was already thinking to myself, You have paws, Sandra Francy, get used to it! Think paws! Think teeth! I knew I had to get used to what was happening or I’d never get out alive. I jumped up and grabbed the door handle with my mouth, and I could hear Adam screeching.
‘God, look, it’s at the handle!’
They both started screaming then, and Mum yelled, ‘Go up and hold the handle up so it can’t get out.’
‘No way!’ screamed Adam. ‘It’s too mad, I’m not going near it. The germs’ll come through the handle. Ahh, look, it’s coming!’ he howled. I could hear a clatter – Mum dropping the phone – and then they were both screaming as they ran out of the house. They needn’t have worried. I could turn the handle but I couldn’t pull the door towards me, it just kept banging onto my feet. I ran across the room, jumped up on to the bed and then the windowsill. Thank God! The window was half open. Half open – but on the first floor. It was miles down, but I had no choice. It was that or the vet. I’d scared Mum and Adam out of the house but they’d be on Jane’s or Pete and Silvia’s phone down the road. When they heard how scared she was, the police would come fast. But – it was such a long way down! I wasn’t sure I had the courage, not even to save my life.
As I looked down, next door’s cat Pansy strolled along under the wall. I could feel my ears pricking up. I thought, This is too good to miss! I had to whine under my breath to stop myself barking at her. That cat was going to get the surprise of her life.
I jumped right above her. I was coming down feet first right at her like an atomic attack and as I came I was barking furiously. That cat nearly shat itself! She jumped up, all her fur stood up like a cartoon. She was looking right, left, back, front, to and fro – she was whirling round like a firework, but she couldn’t work out where the dog was. Dogs come from all directions, but never from above. There was a glorious second when I thought I was going to get her, I was going to grab her in my mouth and taste her blood, but then she looked up and saw me. Wow! She howled like something in a horror film. She was in a horror film!
‘Dog attack, dog attack, dog in the air!’ I barked. Pansy shot off as if she had a sparkler up her fanny. I thought, Huf, huf huf, hurrah!
Then I landed. My springy doggy legs jerked down and up. I was back on my feet in seconds, limping. It hurt – but I’d done it! I’d saved my life and terrorised next door’s cat at the same time and I felt great.
Then I heard my mum out on the street, screaming and yelling at the neighbours. I’d wanted that cat so bad, I’d forgotten my life was in danger. Again! I kept forgetting things. The panic gripped me and I took off, me – I took off at the speed of light. I ran right by Mum, nearly knocking her off her feet. I thought, Serves you right, not even knowing who I am. Then I was round the corner and away, even though my joints were aching after the fall. I bombed down the road. A car screeched, I gasped in fear and ran onto the pavement. Then I stopped. Where to go? Round to Annie’s! I dashed up the road and stopped again. Forgot – I’m a dog! I went the other way – Wayne’s! But shit! I’m a dog, I’m a dog, I’m a dog. I had nowhere to go! Hide, hide, I thought, and I set off again, no idea in my head about who I was or what I was and where I belonged or where to go, except to run and run until my pads bled and my dry tongue beat the ground.
I ran and ran, but where does a dog go when she has no home? The streets passed like sideshows from an uninvented entertainment. Withington, Didsbury, Northenden – they all came and went, but none of them meant anything to me any more. I knew nothing. The shops were shadows. The window displays had no scent, no sound, no purpose. I was a dog; I didn’t even know what things meant.
My feelings were swinging violently from side to side. One minute I was filled with bursts of joy at the way my feet moved, at the wind on my face, the sights and sounds and the flocking of scents around me. You have no idea what your senses are if you’ve never been an animal. The thrill of the chase! That cat that I’d nearly caught. Oh, yes, there were still pleasures for me in this world. I promised myself one thing – that before I became myself again, I’d catch a cat and tear it to pieces and lap up the blood as it oozed on to the tarmac …
And then, in the next second I was filled with self disgust. Cat’s blood – ugh! Disgusting! I was a girl! How could I think such thoughts? You see, the change was still working. First my body, then my thoughts – now even my feelings and desires. How long would it be before I became a dog through and through? How long before I even forgot how to think? At moments like these I felt that my heart was breaking inside me as I ran. I told myself that I must never forget who I was. I’m a girl, I told myself. I’m a girl, I’m a girl, I’m a girl. Just remember, Sandra – you’re a girl.