CONTENTS

COVER

ABOUT THE BOOK

TITLE PAGE

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

ACT 1 PROLOGUE

ACT 1, SCENE 1

ACT 1, SCENE 2

ACT 1, SCENE 3

ACT 1, SCENE 4

ACT 1, SCENE 5

ACT 2 PROLOGUE

ACT 2, SCENE 1

ACT 2, SCENE 2

ACT 2, SCENE 3

ACT 2, SCENE 4

ACT 2, SCENE 5

ACT 2, SCENE 6

ACT 3, SCENE 1

ACT 3, SCENE 2

ACT 3, SCENE 3

ACT 3, SCENE 4

ACT 3, SCENE 5

ACT 4, SCENE 1

ACT 4, SCENE 2

ACT 4, SCENE 3

ACT 4, SCENE 4

ACT 4, SCENE 5

ACT 5, SCENE 1

ACT 5, SCENE 2

ACT 5, SCENE 3

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

COPYRIGHT

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

CAPULETS

MONTAGUES

THE PRINCE AND HIS ENTOURAGE

THE REST

ACT 1

PROLOGUE

CHORUS

Two households at war in fair Verona;

The reckless Romeo takes for his wife

Wan Juliet whose father doth disown her;

A pair of star-cross’d lovers²² take their life.

Hear this sonnet as a warning précis

Of a tale that shall become quite racy.

ACT 1, SCENE 1

Verona, a public place

SAMPSON

See here the knob upon this door. Is’t not the largest knob thou ever saw?

GREGORY

Haven’t you got anything better to do than tell knob gags?³³

SAMPSON

’Fraid not, old boy. ’Tis only our masters who may talk in verse and so let’s play this scene for banter.⁴⁴

GREGORY

Then may we turn some maidens’ heads or take their maidenheads.⁵⁵

SAMPSON

That’s terrible.

GREGORY

It’s better than anything a Montague would come up with. Talking of which, here comes foul Abram.

Enter Abram

ABRAM

Are you looking at me?⁶⁶

SAMPSON

Are you looking at me?

ABRAM

Do you want to make something of it?⁷⁷

They fight. Enter Benvolio

BENVOLIO

Put up your swords, you know not what you do.

Enter Tybalt

TYBALT

If there’s a fight then I will to the fray.

BENVOLIO

Calm down, dear sir, it’s powder puffs at dawn.

TYBALT:

Don’t talk of peace, you’re spoiling all the fun.

Without blood spilt, true meaning have I none.

They fight. Enter Capulet and Montague

CAPULET

Give me a crutch, I’ll beat thee to a pulp.

MONTAGUE

I’d run thee through were not my knee so crook.

Enter Prince Escalus

PRINCE

Cease, I say, cantankerous old fools,

Thy deeds have made our streets a no-go zone.

No more shall Montagues and Capulets

Enact their West Side Story, Sharks and Jets,

Or else shall pay the forfeit of the peace.⁸⁸

BENVOLIO

Methinks the prince doth have a valid point,

For as my name suggests, I’m naught but fair.

LADY MONTAGUE

O, where is Romeo? Saw you him today?⁹⁹

BENVOLIO

Early this morn when I did walk abroad

I saw your son, but he did see me first

And he did leg it deep into the wood.

MONTAGUE

’Tis true he hath not been himself of late;

He stays awake at night and sleeps till noon,

Behaviour much like any teenager.¹⁰¹⁰

BENVOLIO

Leave it with me, I’ll find out what’s amiss.

Enter Romeo

BENVOLIO

Good morrow, cousin.¹¹¹¹

ROMEO

Is that really the time?

BENVOLIO

What ails thee so that hours feel like days?

ROMEO

What further mooning must I do to prove

The sun it shineth not upon my love?

O hateful love, my love doth not requite

And makes me talk in rhyming opposites.¹²¹²

BENVOLIO

What maid is this who breaks your heart in twain?

ROMEO

Alas I cannot bear to say her name,

To do so would my lust further inflame.¹³¹³

Marry, Ben Vee, she doth refuse to wed;

No mini-mes to grace the marriage bed.

ACT 1, SCENE 2

Outside Capulet’s mansion

PARIS

But now, my lord, what say you to my suit?

CAPULET

I would point out my girl is still thirteen,

Which e’en for Italy is still quite young.

PARIS

Come off it, sire, she’s getting on a bit.

CAPULET

Then woo her, Paris, if thy love is strong,

But don’t forget she is my only child,

And if she loves thee not then let her be.

Now I must attend to party planning;

My servant must make haste to tell the guests.

He hands invitations to his servant and leaves with Paris

SERVANT

How many times do I have to tell the old fool that

I can’t read?¹⁴¹⁴

Enter Benvolio and Romeo

BENVOLIO

I’ve full had my fill of lovesick gurning,

There’s babes aplenty to indulge thy yearning.

ROMEO

Thou underestimates how truly deep

My depths are; deep so much I cannot sleep.

He takes a letter from the servant

‘The Capulets invite you to their do,

There to meet my lady wife and daughter,

Not to forget my niece, fair Rosaline.’

Sounds great: tell me how to RSVP.

SERVANT

Just turn up at the Capulets’ at about six.¹⁵¹⁵ As long as you’re not a Montague, there won’t be any bother.

BENVOLIO

At last we’ll get to see your Rosaline,

Whom thou lovest so much, thou dost not name.

I’ll wager if thou join me at this bash

You’ll meet some gorgeous babes who are more hot.

ROMEO

Once again thou dost assume me callow;

I’ll come with thee: you’ll not find me shallow.

ACT 1, SCENE 3

A room in Capulet’s mansion

LADY CAPULET

Nurse, where’s my daughter? Call her forth to me.

NURSE

I do remember that I was but twelve

When I help’d you give birth to Juliet.¹⁶¹⁶

Enter Juliet

JULIET

Madam, I am here. Can you explain

Why my name endeth not upon an A,

Like other Giuliettas that I know?¹⁷¹⁷

LADY CAPULET

Think not to ask such unhelpful questions;

Instead allow your thoughts to turn to love.

NURSE

Often I think upon my long-dead Susan,

Yet rejoice your Juliet still doth breathe.

Do you remember how your husband laughed

About her having sex when she was six?¹⁸¹⁸

LADY CAPULET

Speak no more, that soundeth much too pervy,

Though marry,¹⁹¹⁹ ‘marry’ is the very theme

I came to talk of. Tell me, Juliet,

How do you feel about becoming wed?

JULIET

To tell the truth, I think myself too young.

LADY CAPULET

Well, think again; others younger than you

Are married every day within this town;²⁰²⁰

The danger is you end up on the shelf.

Tonight look well on Paris: he has cash,

But wealth aside, he’s also really hot;

Some say he doth possess the firmest bot.

JULIET

If it’s your will, upon him I will look,

And if I like the likeness I shall act.

ACT 1, SCENE 4

A street outside Capulet’s mansion

ROMEO

I do not feel like going out tonight,

So being heavy, I shall bear the light.

MERCUTIO

O dearest friend, you can be such a drag,

If can’t be fun at least be less profound;

These opposites are getting on my nerves.

ROMEO

If I be too moody for thine own mood

Then go alone; I do not want to dance.

MERCUTIO

If love be rough with you, be rough with love,

Prick love for pricking and you beat love down.²¹²¹

ROMEO

You will not win me round by talk of pricks,

My heart is set upon my killing joy.

You hold your prick; I shall hold the candle.

MERCUTIO

O now I see Queen Mab hath been with you;

She weaves her spider’s web inside your dreams.²²²²

Her worm doth eat away at happiness,

Thy serotonin levels record low.

I could and will go on at greater length,

Indulge me in this feat of imagery.

ROMEO

I beg you stop, my ears they start to bleed.

MERCUTIO

I can’t, I won’t, my verse is on a roll,

For dreams are naught but idle fantasies.²³²³

ROMEO

OK, OK, I hear you, my good friend!

I’ll come with you unto the bitter end

Of this night’s revels. You go forth in mirth,

I with vile visions of my death foretold.

ACT 1, SCENE 5

Great hall in Capulet’s mansion

CAPULET

Welcome one and welcome all! Have a drink,

And do not cease your dancing ere the dawn.

ROMEO

What lady’s that, which stands beside the wall?

Her beauty glows and holds me in its thrall.

My eyes forget the ugly Rosaline,²⁴²⁴

I shall not sleep until this girl is mine.²⁵²⁵

TYBALT

This, by his voice, sounds like a Montague;